


Saint Bernard

by Bagel_Boy



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Tubbo, Hugs, Human Experimentation, Hurt/Comfort, Hybrids, M/M, Ouch, PogChamp, Sad Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sleepy Bois Inc as Family, Slow Burn, Technoblade Has ADHD (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade is Bad at Feelings (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade-centric (Video Blogging RPF), The Voices, Trans Wilbur Soot, if that makes sense, technoblade is on the ace spectrum because i said so, the dream smp is just a place for them to vibe, tubbo is also apart of the family dynamic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28543155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bagel_Boy/pseuds/Bagel_Boy
Summary: big old content warningsself harmmurderlots of self hatredbloodlusti wrote this shit while listening to problems by mother mother lolfucking enjoy i guess
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 303





	1. Saint Bernard

**Author's Note:**

> “ I said make me love myself so that I might love you  
> Don't make me a liar, 'cause I swear to god  
> When I said it I thought it was true “
> 
> Saint Bernard by Lincoln

somethings don’t change.

the pit doesn’t change.

the organization hasn’t changed.

ranboo was living proof.

he was half ghast and half enderman. a constant reminder for older hybrids that they were still out there. especially technoblade, born in blood, voices ringing in his ears, basically a living war weapon. very few experienced what he had, getting thrown into the pit to fend for his life against his fellow experiments.

philza saved him. he owes the man everything. 

only few escaped, schlatt, quackity and more recently ranboo. techno barely remembered his time outside of mindlessly killing in the pit. but he remembered quackity, number 375. he remembered his deep black hair, his wings, seeing him watch techno kill seemingly innocent people, and his laugh. his genuine almost high pitched laughter.

so that’s why he had to go back to his skyblock world. why he fucking dipped out of the smp as soon as he made eye contact with the ravenette. why his brain began to panic. why philza was now lecturing him on basic politeness while they sat in his potato farm.

“-we had this conversation like seven times now-“ the dad like figure paced around in a small circle. his sandals clicking again the brick stone floor.

techno wasn’t even absorbing the one sided conversation, to wrapped up in his own mind. quackity resurfaced some awful memories, bodies splattered everywhere. researchers watching his every move. analyzing his blood, inspecting him like an insect, getting branded. the ringing in his ears melting him from the inside out.

_ ‘pay attention you stupid jackass.’ _

“-i understand that-“ the blonde sighed exasperated from explaining. techno couldn’t care less, he already knew the whole lecture by heart.

philza would start by saying something about being to tired for this, say something about techno being to old for this, then go on to explain how many times he had to say the same bullshit, then doing his whole “stop being an antisocial prick” spiel.

“-you gotta believe me-“ phil continued seemingly not noticing technos bored stare. each snippet of sentence seemed generic enough to be a slogan. 

he used to keep a journal, writing down how his day went, making stupid plans of world domination, jotting down key phrases that the voices would say. he lost it two years ago, hasn’t bothered to get a new one. each page had a few doodles in the corner, they always helped him focus.

“are you even listening to me?” his voice huffed as he faced techno.

_ ‘jackass.’ _

the half piglin blinked before speaking, “no.”

philza groaned rubbing his temples, “the gods are testing me...”

one of technoblades ears flicked as he vacantly stared at the older man. he traced the branding scar on his hand out of habit. “to be fair i was scared,” he jokingly tried to explain himself.

_‘you made it worse. you made it worse. you made it worse.’_

“blade, work with me here,” phil sat down next to the considerably taller man, “why were you scared?”

the hybrid stiffened at the question making sure to avert eye contact with the blonde. his long slender tail pulling itself closer to him. “um it was some one i knew from...them.”

philza immediately began to apologize to him. he kept pulling himself back into his mind, he hated conversations like this. about his past. he dug a claw into his branding still tracing it over and over again.

_ ‘draw blood. we want blood! we want blood!’ _

it was in his blood to inflict pain, on himself, on others. it was so hard to push down what appeared to be his primary function. the voices beckoned to him, self loathing laced his brain, killing was in his nature. he could still feel each injection of pure strength potion in his veins, constantly coursing through him.

“-who was it?” the question fucking shot him out of his brain.

“quackity, i don’t remember a lot about him, but i do remember a few details,” his yellow eyes met the olders blue ones, “and i haven’t seen or spoken to him in fucking six years a-and he brings back so many memories, phil.”

philza rubbed the others shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. his face was laced with sympathy and mild concern, he wore that face a lot when he was with techno. to be fair he was a bit of a basket case, he wouldn’t even be surprised if phil was secretly scared of him.

fuck even techno was scared of himself.

“-outta your hair, tech, i’ll be in the smp if you need me,” phill ruffled the hybrids hair before disappearing.

shortly after techno invited tommy and wilbur to his skyblock, the voices were to overwhelming today. their toxic words spilling into his self esteem, feeling more worthless than a rock. he wanted to tear out his brain, impossible to ignore them. he dug his fingers into his scalp as he bared his teeth his ribs closing around his lungs.

“BRO YOU FUCKIN’ DITCHED ME,” tommy’s unmistakable voice pulled him out of his thoughts, “we were goin’ to go go netherite mining you bitch.”

wilbur stood next to the angry child, clearly not caring. they were two of his adoptive brothers and in any other situation he’d never talk to them. they were both incredibly loud and borderline irritating to be around. but he loved them.

it was hard to love people.

“-fuck were you man?” tommy hissed crossing his arms in mild disappointment.

“i had to....” techno quickly tried to think of a lie, “check on my potatoes.”

_ ‘you stupid bitch.’ _

“you’re dreadful at lying,” wilbur finally spoke up rocking back and forth on his feet.techno sighed as one of his ears flicked ignoring his older brother. 

“wanna play bedwars?” techno suggested as he stood up, the gentle clack of his hooves hitting the floor. 

he noticed the skin tearing on his visible branding. small beads of blood pooling out of it, he was so numbed to it. he looked back up at his brothers seemingly having a conversation with one another. it was so hard to control his blood lust around others.

_‘psycho.’_


	2. Be Nice To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “ The hand tries to grip the pencil, but the fingers are too tense  
> I try to show emotion, but my eyes won't seem to wet “

it had been six years since he had left the pit. 

six years since he had been used a sick subject.

six years spent being traumatized to the point of no return.

six years.

he was taken away from them at fourteen, so many years of his life that he’s never getting back.

sometimes he’d just lay in bed. try to cancel out the thoughts, the voices, the painful memories, the ringing echoes in his mind. he wouldn’t leave his spot for hours. just staring at the cracked ceiling his mind completely blank. sometimes philza would try to contact him, trying to give him motivation or just asking to hang out. 

today was one of those days.

techno mindlessly gazing above him so many overwhelming emotions pouring over him. every ache in his body and newer scars eating away at him. he couldn’t even pretend to cry, everything felt so numb. until a whisper from philza popped up in front of him.

philza whispers to you: hey blade, meet with me outside of tommy’s house

he pulled himself out of bed a few joints creaking in protest. he changed into his more recognizable outfit, his body close crumbling. his mind constantly glazed with a vague haze. he felt like a stranger in his own skin. he wanted to scratch every recognizable feature straight off of him.

_‘worthless scum.’_

he forced his body out of his base, his eyes taking a minute to adjust to the light. a pleasant breeze flew through the air taking a few pink blossoms with it. the sky was cloudy with a few dark gray clouds in the distance. the sun lower in the sky indicating it’s the afternoon.

he continued to walk down the oak path, his eyes not leaving the splintered floor. his feet dragged against it, everything stung, the world around him felt like daggers. he could barely move, every step felt excruciating. a decent amount people were online, quackity being one of them.

fuck why was he obsessing over someone he hasn’t seen in forever. he’s probably scared of him, he doesn’t even remember a single conversation with him. every memory burned his mind, scorching him from the inside out. he went back to tracing his branding, breaking his skin.

‘he probably doesn’t even remember you.’

“mmmmmm sir blade!” tommy exclaimed from his house, a few indistinguishable figures next to him. he ran up to the older leaving the other individuals behind. being next to the sixteen year old made his head pound in pure pain.

“jesus christ man you look like shit,” the same blonde chirped up once again. the kid never really sugarcoated things.

“thanks.” techno just grumbled as he adjusted his crown. he couldn’t blame tommy, he really did look like shit, bloodshot eyes, bags underneath them, his hair unbrushed, fuck he was wearing his glasses not even his contacts.

he couldn’t stand looking in a mirror without wanting to kill himself. each of his piglin features mocking him. constantly stuck in his own mind, slowly poisoning him. venom seeping into his own self worth.

“-he fuckin’ bit me!” tommy interrupted his self loathing with one of his nonsensical stories. it was so hard to care about other people.

‘do you even care?’

technos eyes were glazed in disinterest, luckily the younger didn’t notice. he could feel the figures next to tommy’s house glaring at him. studying him like an experiment. injections, pools of blood, getting put in isolation, getting starved. fuck so many horrific memories were getting resurfaced.

their eyes still stung his skin, piercing it till he bled. earning his worth with his victims. being the self proclaimed blood god. at one point being proud of all the kills he’s acquired. he was a vicious, ruthless, war weapon with no other purpose than to kill. 

“-you there?” tommy once again butting into his thoughts, derailing them.

“yup, sorry zoned out for a minute,” he kept the statement concise. 

tommy coughed awkwardly as he lead the other back to his house. a few more distinct figures stood quietly talking amongst themselves. techno always noticed small things like posture and body language, it was the only way he could read a room. he found it hard to understand tones and social cues.

philza looked tired and a tad desperate speaking to a confused innocent tubbo, clearly trying to explain something. wilbur just sat watching them, clearly uninterested. tommy spoke up catching their attention, “sir blade has arrived!”

“you look like garbage,” tubbo was the first to speak up. phil smacked him in the back of his head immediately scolding him.

“don’t worry tommy already told me,” techno immediately threw the younger under the bus, much to his annoyance.

“tommy!” phil hissed with a stomp of his voice.

the teen rolled his eyes as he spoke, “what? do you want me to lie to him? oh technoblade my dear older brother, you look so very good. you definitely don’t have the look of death in your eyes.”

wilbur was just snickering at their antics only serving to worsen philzas irritation. the eldest put on his parent voice scolding technos brothers. luckily, he was left out of the lecture just left to his own thoughts. his brain static ringing in his ears.

“drop it phil, i seriously don’t care,” he butted in, his gravely voice catching their attention.

philza simply sighed softly as he walked over to techno, leaving the others to their own devices. tubbo and tommy immediately starting conversation while wilbur tried to subtly eavesdrop on the other two.

“is everything okay, blade?” the blonde asked concern lacing his voice. techno mentally rolled his eyes, of course he appreciated the olders concern but, he’d rather fucking die than have this discussion.

he adjusted himself and cleared his throat before speaking, “no.”

philza scratched his neck, “you wanna... talk about it?”

“no.”

“okay then, any updates in your life that you do want to talk about?”

“i put new armor on carl, one of the voices said they’d stop talking if i did. umm i saw quackity yesterday and just avoided him instead of panicking. newer update, small talk still makes me wanna die,” techno awkwardly tried to carry the conversation as he softly rocked back and forth.

the older chuckled before starting to pick up the conversation. techno attempted to focus in on what he was saying but ultimately just tuned him out. his eyes wondered the wood path next to tommy’s house. a few figures wondering down it.

quackity. he was right there. using big and broad hand gestures as he spoke to the others next to him. his wings popping out on occasion to emphasize a point. fuck he was right there, the gods were fucking torturing techno.

“BIG Q! HELLO MY FRIEND,” tommy shouted as he waved his arms in greeting to the hybrid on the path.

_‘lol you’re screwed.’_

“THOMAS!” quackity announced catching the individuals next to him off guard. they appeared to be fundy and george. neither of them looked particularly thrilled. 

anxiety settled into technoblades skin, fight or flight shooting off. he was either going to sock the other hybrid in the face or fucking dip. but instead he froze, his knees almost locking. he just watched as the man he’d been avoiding for the past week fucking waltz up to tommy.

his posture was confident and honesty he only barely slouched. he spoke with wild gestures and was constantly moving, bouncing around hyperactively. on occasion his wings would flap full of excitement and bliss. his laugh running through the air catching the ears of everyone nearby.

and that’s what scared him.

he was scared to tarnish the others happy vision. to decimate his world view by bringing back repressed memories. 

_“i know you.”_

holy shit.


	3. Baby Hotline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ Numb, feel burning with haste  
> And I'm realizing now it's a terrible waste “

_“i know you.”_

it wasn’t even a question. so techno just sat completely still eyes darting around in an attempt to find something to ground himself. his throat closed any word he hoped to get out.

_“i know you.”_

three words. three words that sent him into spiraling shock. his eyes landed on philza and he just studied all the memorable things about him. his heart beat thundered in his ears.

_“i know you.”_

fuck. he remembers.

“hi.” 

quackity has the fucking gall to snicker at the taller hybrid. his eyes traced over the other, landing on his hand with the same branding as his own. it looked a bit more faded, since he wasn’t constantly reopening it with claws.

“you’re from the pit, right? fuck, what was your number...420?” the considerably smaller hybrid guessed jokingly.

techno merely scoffed before speaking, “a comedian i see.”

quackity once again let out a stupid laugh as his wings flapped softly, “yeah that was shit, but seriously what was your number?”

“314, mine was 314,” he hadn’t actually felt those numbers on his tongue in what felt like forever.

the duck hybrids eyes widened slightly, seemingly just now understanding the situation. he seemed to hug his wings to his body out of somewhat fear. “kay, wanna go... somewhere else?” he asked as he held both of his hands in his pockets.

_‘he’s horrified, who could blame him.’_

techno nodded noticing wilburs attempts to eavesdrop. quackitys face seemed to brighten as he lead him away from tommy’s house. he was incredibly light on his feet, practically bouncing everywhere. juxtaposed to the dull nearly lifeless look in technos eyes. he was almost to chipper for what he’d been through the past.

the sky around them was a vast orange and full of soft pink hues. the dark gray of storm clouds now overhead, light sprinkling falling onto skin. it wasn’t the warmest evening, the gentle breeze from earlier was now a much harsher wind. the trees shook rustling a few leaves out of place.

he noticed the smaller hybrid in front of him abruptly stopping. techno looked around to see a small cottage surrounded by spruce woods. he was lead inside, knocking his head on a red stone lamp that hung above.

then, suddenly, he was pulled into a bone crushing hug. soft sobs escaping the throat of the hybrid currently embracing him. techno froze lightly patting him on the head, he wasn’t great at human contact. he wrapped an arm around quackity, feeling a few unbrushed feathers.

“fuck dude, i’ve missed you so much,” quackity spoke into his shirt his voice cracking softly.

well, this is...unpredicted. quackity sobbing into his chest, with techno awkwardly trying to hug him back. he felt the smallers hands grip his coat as his tears started to seep through his shirt. 

techno took a second to just appreciate the warmth the other brought. feeling each breath from him, each hiccuping sob. he felt small in his arms, like if he applied to much pressure he’d break. piglins have heightened senses of smell, so when he smelt quackity it brought back one crisp vivid memory.

_ it was a pretty typical day in the pit, blood being drawn, injections of some mysterious halfway translucent liquid, crowded cells. someone new was moving to the cell right across from techno. apparently he had to be transferred for whatever reason, he could only eavesdrop so much.  _

_most of the other experiments were either given up by their family or born and bred to be experimented on. techno was the latter, practically just cattle for the slaughter. he was worthless in the grand scheme of things, and sometimes he didn’t want to win in the pit anymore._ he wanted to give up, to stop killing, to just die.

_‘they deserve to be killed.’_

_his attention was suddenly brought in front of him. a kid around his age thrashing and clawing at a few people, their faces just out of sight. he’s never seen someone try to flee so desperately. it would have been admirable if it wasn’t so stupid, resistance could mean time in isolation._

_the boy who was struggling against the unknown people had big vibrant yellow wings. they were clipped at the ends, inhibiting his flight. his skin was a warm tan olive color, his clothes were the same neutral gray jumpsuits everyone else wore, and he had pitch black hair that stopped a bit further then the nape of his neck._

_the small preteen was launched into his cell, his back smacking against the cold concrete wall. technos stare was unwavering, his sharp yellow eyes locked on the other. he was in mostly deep thought, occasionally realizing how weird he must look. he wasn’t always the most self aware, especially in situations like_ this.

_a few heavily armed guards would walk around their floor. largely not paying an attention to those locked in the cells. they’d either chat with one another or just stand there like a statue. when techno was particularly bored he’d just stare at the men until they’d notice, he’d usually get yelled at._

_“hey. hey!” a hushed voice pulled him out of his haze._

_techno just waved to the boy in front of him, his ear flicking. he wasn’t sure how he’d gotten his piglin parts, he always just assumed he was born with them. maybe he had, most of what was going on here is unclear._

_the smaller of the two spoke up once again, “i’m 375, i’m half duck and i was brought here when i was four.”_

_he wasn’t used to talking with others, he usually kept to himself. his voice going for the most part unused, he must sound weird. great now he’s insecure about his voice._

_“i’m 314, i’m part piglin and i’ve been here since i was born,” he mostly mumbled keeping his voice low._

_“you’re voice is cool! i basically just squeak like a idiot,” the smaller hybrid shuffled closer letting technoblade get a better overall look._

_he had faint freckles, soft dark brown eyes, and a few deep scars running along his face. techno must look like a monster in comparison, large tusks, a plethora of deep scars, his freaky tail and ears. why did the other boy make him feel so inadequate._

_“can you be a valuable asset?” once again his self loathing getting cut back short by the other._

_techno thought before nodding holding his hand out to show him his long black claws. he smiled at the way the smallers face lit up with excitement. his bright yellow wings flapping with enthusiasm as he tried to get a better look._

_“hell yeah! okay, okay you’re in! we shall be known as uhhh the cool guys!” he was practically bouncing with excitement his eyes big and filled with joy._

_“you’re bad at naming things,” techno scoffed a small grin still plastered on his face._

_“shut up!”_

“i...missed you too.”

quackity pulled away from him wiping the tears from his eyes. he began to chuckle lightly before he spoke, “fuck, sorry that was probably a lot for you.”

“you’re good, when did you get out of the pit?” techno asked as he sat down on the springy bed in the corner of the room.

“okay so about a year after you left, me, schlatt and a few others staged an escape. long story short, only me and schlatt made it out,” his voice was coated in regret and somberness. techno flinched as he flopped down next to him.

techno placed a hand on his head awkwardly patting it in an attempt to comfort him. quackity chuckled as he melted into his touch. he looked so vulnerable and small, his face was soft as was the beanie that rested upon his head. 

“i don’t think you’ve changed one bit,” quackity smirked a few light snickers falling from his lips. 

“is that a bad thing?”

“no, of course not, only you can make me smile like this.”

techno grinned before removing his hand from the others head, “you’re such a sap.”

_‘you don’t deserve him.’_

_‘you’ll break him.’_

_‘he’s not blind, he’ll see you’re a fucking psycho.’_

_‘slice his wings off.’_

the snapping of fingers brought him out of the deafening screams of the voices. his attention brought back to the hybrid, the voices still rung in his ears. he wanted to throw his own brain out of his skull, to rid himself of the things that plagued him. 

“c’mon man stay with me, name five things you can see right now,” quackitys voice broke him out of his weird destructive pattern.

“the red stone lamp, you, umm the bed, a blast furnace and a crafting table,” it took a few seconds to find each thing. it helped. not by a lot. but it helped.

“okay uh fuck what’s after that...oh! four things you can feel,” he continued as he grabbed the bigger hybrids hand.

techno spoke his voice still laced with uncertainty, “um you, your really uncomfortable blanket, my shirt and the air coming from outside.”

it was weird to get this kind of treatment from anyone besides phil. of course philza had a different course of action when he had his weird episodes. he’d take him by the hand and explain how his day was, tell him each detail and conversation he had. it was always comforting to hear philzas voice.

“three things you can hear,” the smallers voice was smooth and almost high pitched.

“your breathing, the birds outside, and uhhh my breathing,” listing things wasn’t something he often did. it was calming though to just sit back and re-understand his surroundings.

once again quackitys voice was back a small grin obvious in it, “okay! okay! we’re almost done, two things you can smell.”

techno inhaled through his nose deeply before answering, “you, and... rain.”

“do i smell bad?” quackity asked going to smell himself.

he smiled gently at the other, “no, you smell very neutral.”

“thank you? oh and one thing you can taste,” he continued on his hand still on the others.

“my mouth?” techno answered joking confusion in his tone.

quackity giggled lightly, “good job, do you feel any better?”

he nodded before asking his own question, “how did you know to do that?”

“i used to get a lot of panic attacks when i first left the pit, and karl would do that. i don’t get them so much anymore,” he explained running his thumb across the others scabbed over branding. 

his heart beat increased with anxiousness as he felt the others hand. he didn’t get a lot of physical affection, maybe the occasional hug from wilbur or phil but it wasn’t a lot. his hand felt almost unnaturally cold, at least in comparison to technoblades.

“what time is it?” he broke the warm comfortable silence.

quackity looked around his room before spotting the clock on the wall, “umm 11:34 pm.”

“i should get going, but umm...we should hang out again...maybe,” he stood up straightening himself out.

“for sure, i’m like always available, i don’t do a lot,” he chuckled scratching the back of his neck.

silence. a few beats. how do you leave a conversation? fuck. this is getting weird. why is everything so weird?

“uh...bye.”

techno fucking b-lined to the door, opening it rather aggressively. then slamming it on his long tail and having to pull it through. fucking  **ouch** by the way. then slipping on the now wet grass beneath him. and finally getting to his base.

could have been worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jdjthfufv sorry for not updating in over a month just kinda fell out of it for a bit but getting back to the grind :]


End file.
